A Bridge over Troubled Water

Why Mediation Is Recommended for Family Matters

A familiar saying suggests that when two people decide to divorce, it does not mean they fail to understand each other, but that they have finally begun to understand. Reasons for divorce vary. Over the years, academics and theCentral Bureau of Statistics have studied divorce rates across countries to examine fluctuations and perhaps identify trends.

In Israel, as worldwide, divorce is increasing and the numbers are expected to continue rising. The coronavirus pandemic intensified many difficulties, particularly emotional ones. Fear, pressure, social distancing and the family “pressure cooker” led many couples to conclude that their relationship had ended and that they should separate and divorce.

During the past “coronavirus year,” divorce filings and new family-court or rabbinical-court cases did not rise substantially, chiefly because of severe movement restrictions, emotional pressure on children and family members, and financial anxiety. But what has simmered in the bubbling pot will likely lead couples, particularly once the pandemic subsides and routine returns, to implement their decisions and begin the process that ends with a divorce certificate.

Managing Divorce

Divorce is no small matter. It involves tangled feelings, explosive emotions, charged memories, injured parties, considerable property and children’s vulnerable minds. That is why it must be handled responsibly and without escalation, through mediation rather than in court.

Because many people around a couple have experienced divorce, those approaching the rabbinical court may feel everything is clear and all information available. Yet abundant information also contains half-truths and errors. Professional advice and help navigating bureaucracy are important to make the process easier and more efficient.

In Israel, Jewish couples registered as married can divorce only through the rabbinical court, even if they married civilly rather than under Jewish religious law. Some issues can also be heard in family court, however, and fine distinctions and procedural steps can have far-reaching consequences.

Discussions of divorce often feature words such as war, battle and explosive weapons. Yet there is no reason to treat divorce as going to battle. It dissolves a special kind of partnership and can, preferably, proceed differently: through discussion, reciprocity and peace, by agreement through mediation.

 

Building Bridges, Not Walls

Mediation bypasses court, particularly in emotionally charged disputes such as family-business disagreements and conflicts concerning couples and personal status. It is a method of managing constructive communication to resolve disputes, conflicts and misunderstandings. Its humane approach emphasizes reciprocity, listening and acceptance, enabling changes in perspective and shared solutions.

The state likewise views mediation as an ideal route to dignified divorce. In July 2016, theLaw for the Settlement of Litigation in Family Disputes (Temporary Provision), 5775–2014 came into force. “The purpose of this Law is to help spouses, parents and children resolve family disputes by agreement and peacefully, and reduce the need for litigation, taking account of all aspects of the dispute and every child’s best interests.”

The mediator is a neutral professional with no interest beyond helping the couple find common ground, understand one another, dissolve resistance, develop empathy for the other’s needs and maintain complete reciprocity and mutual respect, to form an agreement protecting everyone’s interests, particularly the children’s.

Mediation is a process, although not a particularly long one, rather than a single meeting. To succeed in mediation, participants must commit to attending, cooperating and sincerely seeking a respectful solution and the best possible divorce agreement. The mediation room is an “island of calm,” a bridge over turbulent water, preserving balance, discretion, confidentiality and dignity; statements made there cannot be used in court. To ensure each party feels heard, some meetings are joint and others individual.

Mediation has proved shorter than judicial proceedings, which may drag on for years. It saves substantial money because litigation lawyers need not be retained. By addressing emotional pitfalls, mediation can also help with the pain of separation.

Mediators must show great sensitivity because divorce agreements have unique emotional characteristics. They remain effective for many years: the spouses will be divorced from one another for life while remaining parents of shared children. The aim is therefore not just any agreement, but one flexible enough to be honored through future years and life’s changing circumstances.

This sensitive and complex process produces a mediation agreement reached by the parties themselves, with the mediator’s guidance. They examine the situation from outside inward, using a deconstructive approachthat breaks the conflict into components from which mutually beneficial solutions can be built.

The agreement must be reciprocal, signed in good faith, readable and clear, addressing present issues with an eye to the future. Divorce agreements generally cover finances and division of property, real estate, savings, vehicles, accounts, debts and mortgages; social rights such as pensions, child allowances and provident funds; division of child-rearing expenses and parental responsibility, sometimes custody; parenting time, holidays and vacations. They also address children’s education and major decisions such as overseas travel, extracurricular activities and health, and include a mechanism for future disagreements. There is no room for errors or loopholes: the agreement is submitted to the family court for approval, receives the force of a judgment and binds both parties.